The Atlantis Handbook
by Cammy
Summary: John and Rodney were bored. Teyla and Ronon were roped into it. The rest of Atlantis was amused by it.
1. Chapter 1

Title: The Atlantis Handbook

Summary: John and Rodney got bored. Teyla and Ronon got roped into it. The rest of Atlantis was amused by it.

Rating: PG

Spoilers: Up to Inferno

* * *

Like most things it started when John and Rodney got bored while on mandatory relaxation. Carson wasn't happy when SGA-1 got injured on their last mission. Said team wasn't happy about having mandatory down-time but finally agreed. After much kicking and screaming though. 

So John and Rodney were bored. They started talking about what not to do in the Pegasus Galaxy. One thing led to another and the two had talked Ronon and Teyla into helping them create their list. John and Rodney first had to promise though that no one else would ever know they were the ones responsible.

Disappointed they reluctantly agreed that it would just be among the four of them. It still gave them something to do after all that was remotely amusing. The first eight were written that very evening.

The next day every member of the Atlantis Expedition electronically received a notice. The next rule showed up in the evening. Rule Three the next morning and Rule Four the next evening and so on. By the time the Daedalus arrived three weeks later someone had written all of them on a big sheet on the message board so that everyone could see them.

**Rule One: Don't Die.**

Everyone full heartedly agreed with the first one. Some did say that it seemed very Buffyish though.

**Rule Two: When the scientists are creating weapons of mass destruction, do not disturb them.**

**A. Unless you bring coffee.**

The scientist smiled smugly. The soldiers just winced and nodded.

**Rule Three: During "That Time of Month" males should not piss off the women of the Expedition.**

**A. Or hoard chocolate.**

**B. Or Exist. At All.**

The women gave serene smiles. The men just whimpered at the memories.

**Rule Four: Shoot first ask questions later is never a good idea.**

Elizabeth had that one underlined. SGA-2 just grumbled and pouted. It wasn't their fault that the big hairy bear thing had been the pet of the Village Leader. He shouldn't have let it terrorize people coming through the Gate anyway.

**Rule Five: Murphy's Law is very real. Especially in this Galaxy.**

No one argued. They had the scars to prove it.

**Rule Six: New members should listen to experienced members.**

**A. Especially when it comes to the Wraith**

**B. Even more so when they say not to touch something**

The original Expedition members did not like arrogant newbies. Any member who had been in the Pegasus Galaxy for a couple months did not like arrogant newbies. The scientists had already degraded into childish retaliation. The soldiers just smiled and scheduled Mandatory Newbie Boot Camps.

**Rule Seven: Being sarcastic to Village Leaders is not a good idea.**

**A. Neither is glaring at them.**

**B. So is telling them that you think they're an idiot.**

Elizabeth smiled and handed printed out copies to SGA-1. John, Rodney, Ronon and Teyla were not amused.

**Rule Eight: Flirting Off-World never ends well.**

**A. And it could give you an alien STD.**

Carson printed that one out and gave it to John. Rodney laughed. John didn't.

**Rule Nine: Gambling is not permitted.**

Number Nine appeared after SGA-9 raced back into the Gate Room under fire. Apparently the poker game with the natives had gotten out of hand and the Priest's son had accused their Sergeant of cheating. The Sergeant had taken offense. Neither Elizabeth nor Carson had found it as amusing as everyone else had.

**Rule Ten: Peanuts or any type of nut are not allowed Off-World**

**A. Or anything people are commonly allergic to.**

Seeing as SGA-3 had nearly gotten lynched because of it, no one argued.

**Rule Eleven: Ancient Weapons are not toys.**

The Science Department did not see the amusement in the big banner with Rule Eleven on it that had 'mysteriously' appeared in the labs.

**Rule Twelve: If the Ancients couldn't do it, chances are it can't be done.**

Rodney was seen muttering to himself after that rule was sent and being especially snappish to John.

**Rule Thirteen: Never Mess with Mother Nature. You won't win.**

Something SGA-8 did caused that rule to appear. Only those in Command knew exactly what happened though. Something involving an avalanche, a screaming fit, and a big gun had been the only explanation given. Everyone else had quickly decided that they didn't want to know.

**Rule Fourteen: Do not trade weapons.**

Elizabeth had everyone, but mainly SGA-1, keep a copy of that rule. It seemed as though she still wasn't happy about the Genii incident last year.

**Rule Fifteen: If they have sharp objects and/or guns, for the love of everything holy people, do NOT mock them!**

Carson posted that one in the infirmary for everyone to see. He took great pleasure in pointing at it when a team shuffled in bruised and bleeding after angering the weapon carrying natives.

**Rule Sixteen: If you are going to create alcohol be discrete.**

**A. Do not blow up any labs doing so.**

That rule was the fault of Radek during the days of the Original Expedition. He had eventually succeeded but only after one spectacular lab explosion.

**Rule Seventeen: Volunteering is a bad idea.**

In an attempt to impress a pretty native Captain Ryans had volunteered to participate in a local ritual. SGA-5 had barely gotten him out of there with both his hands attached.

**Rule Eighteen: Pets are not allowed.**

**A. **"**It followed me back!" is not a good excuse.**

It had taken weeks to get rid of the squirrel/rabbit hybrid that had decided it like Doctor Molane and followed her back through the gate. Alice was still upset that she didn't get to kept it.

**Rule Nineteen: Swimming is not allowed unless it is at the beaches on the Mainland.**

Apparently there were sea monsters where Atlantis was but not anywhere near the Mainland. Doctor Richards had been the one unfortunate enough to discover that one. Not to mention Rodney, John and Radek also discovered it during the sinking puddle jumper incident.

**Rule Twenty: No one gets left behind.**

It was underlined and highlighted so everyone always was able to see it.

**Rule Twenty-One: Ruin the Lego Room at your own peril.**

The scientists, feeling restless, had somehow talked members of the Daedalus crew into buying them Lego sets. Harry Potter, Star Wars, Lego Trains complete with remote controlled trains, it didn't matter what it was; they built the sets and put them in the Lego Room. It was the Science Department's pride and joy. And for a good reason since it was pretty cool. Even though it was slightly disturbing to see some of the brightest minds in two galaxies playing with Legos.

**Rule Twenty-Two: Regrettably the soldiers are no longer allowed to play football in Atlantis by orders of Doctor Weir and Doctor Beckett.**

**A. Or hockey.**

**B. Or lacrosse.**

**C. Or rugby.**

**D. Neither volleyball or soccer are permitted either.**

**E. See list in infirmary for all banned spots.**

The soldiers on the other hand bribed the Daedalus crew for sports equipment. They claimed one big balcony for themselves and eagerly set up games. Unfortunately they injured one another playing sports. At lest the geeks couldn't get injured playing with Legos. After both John and Lorne had ended up in the infirmary along with half the soldiers in the city, Elizabeth and Carson started banning certain sports.

**Rule Twenty-Three: Duct Tape is not to be abused as there is a limited amount in between Daedalus runs.**

**A. Scientists get the most since they're the ones who fix the city.**

Elizabeth had forced the geeks to hide the duck tape fixes though. Apparently it was not dignified for the Hidden City to have obvious signs of duck tape fixing.

**Rule Twenty-Four: When giving a report do not say "Which version of the truth would you like to hear?" because Doctor Weir will not be amused.**

Ronon got the blame for that one.

**Rule Twenty-Five: If possible, do not join in any Off-World rituals.**

SGA-5 had even worse luck than SGA-1 when it came to alien rituals.

**Rule Twenty-Six: Bartering away your team leader is not permitted.**

**A. Even if you do plan on rescuing them later anyway.**

Captain Dodson had not been amused. He had to fend off a grabby Priestess for half a night before his team rescued him. On the other hand they had gotten the medicine needed to treat Doctor Stacey's bite. However Elizabeth had not been pleased and SGA-12 had gotten lectured for a stunning two hours before she had calmed down.

**Rule Twenty-Seven: Telling the Village Leader that your team member has a disease which is why they act so odd is bad. Crazed mobs are often the result.**

SGA-13 really should have known better. Luckily none of them had been badly injured.

**Rule Twenty-Eight: Boot Camps ordered by Colonel Sheppard are mandatory. Do not try to get out of them.**

The geeks didn't like boot camp. Neither did the new grunts. John didn't care.

**Rule Twenty-Nine: Do not insult one another in front of Village Leaders and/or Priests.**

No one was surprised to learn that John and Rodney were the cause behind Rule Twenty-Nine. Teyla and Ronon were particularly smug for the next couple of days.

**Rule Thirty: There is a fine line between bravery and stupidity.**

**A. Also being suicidal is not impressive. It's just stupid.**

John sulked for a week after that one was posted.

**Rule Thirty-One: Plan A never works. Plan B works occasionally. Plan C is your best bet.**

Number Thirty-One came courtesy of Stargate Command.

**Rule Thirty-Two: Do not trust the Genii. They will stab you in the back.**

Really the Atlantis Expedition should have figured out that one a long time ago. There were a lot of sheepish nods and growls when it was posted.

**Rule Thirty-Three: Lying to your alien team members about Earth culture is not a good idea.**

**A. Do not call your alien team members a pop culture name that they would find insulting.**

**B. They will find out. And they will not be happy.**

Conan and Xena had not been amused at all.

**Rule Thirty-Four: Never insult the natives' culture.**

SGA-13 should never be allowed to talk. Ever. Elizabeth had decided to assign one of the Athosians to them to act as a negotiator.

**Rule Thirty-Five: Singing 'It's A Small World' might be a good way to annoy your team members but chances are after the fifteenth time it will drive the hidden natives into doing something drastic.**

Actually it had. SGA-4 limped/raced back into the Gate Room with rocks hurling through after them. The natives didn't like 'It's A Small World'. Or perhaps it was Lieutenant Anders's voice they had problems with.

**Rule Thirty-Six: Baby Dinosaurs do not come back through the Gate with you.**

SGA-1 had returned to the Jurassic Park World because of the botanists wanted samples. Ronon ended up with a baby pterodactyl that refused to let go of his hair. Mommy had been the one most displeased by the situation.

**Rule Thirty-Seven: The Rain Dance is not the natives' answer to ending a constant rain storm.**

Doctor Kim had muttered it sarcastically. The natives heard it unfortunately so SGA-7 had to beat a hasty retreat back through the Gate before the natives figured out that the rain dance was not going to work.

**Rule Thirty-Eight: Even the Ancients did stupid things.**

Building an outpost on top of a volcano easily popped into mind among others.

**Rule Thirty-Nine: We make mistake. That's what makes us human. The only thing that we can do is learn from those mistakes and move on.**

Rule Thirty-Nine was also underlined and highlighted.

**Rule Forty: 'Simon Says' is not an appropriate game to play with the natives. It will only confuse them and/or frustrate them.**

SGA-10 had been in a snippy mood when the villagers on the planet they were on turned out to be hostile and arrested them. The 'But Simon didn't say to follow you' and 'Simon says not to move!' cracks had done nothing but hasten their execution. Back up arrived just in time; a few seconds later and Captain Matthews would have been missing her head.

**Rule Forty-One: Do not mob the Daedalus crew for new supplies.**

**A. Not even if they have _Episode III_ or Harry Potter and the Halfblood Prince with them.**

**B. Colonel Caldwell will not be pleased.**

Caldwell was relieved to see Rule Forty-One. His crew had been reduced to drawing straws to see who would be the unlucky ones to unload the new supplies. All in all he was amused by The Atlantis Handbook and shared a laugh with Doctor Weir about it.

His crew however practically burst into tears of relief after learning of Rule Forty-One. That got sheepish Atlantis residents apologizing for mobbing them last time. They hadn't meant to injure them last time, they were just really happy to see the Daedalus and the bruises had only lasted a couple of days so no hard feelings right?

The Daedalus crew just nodded and smiled. Then backed up a few dozen paces and smiled some more. The Atlantis residents wisely retreated from the uneasy Daedalus crew.

John and Rodney were amused. Teyla and Ronon refused to admit that they found it fun as well. And so The Handbook grew.

**Rule Forty-Two: If at first you don't succeed, try again and again.**

**A. Try not to get killed doing it though. You won't get to gloat if you die.**

Rodney smiled and sent it throughout the City. John laughed softly before dragging Rodney off to where Ronon and Teyla were waiting so that the four of them could watch all six _Star Wars_.


	2. Chapter 2

Title: The Atlantis Handbook

Notes: Thanks so much to all my reviewers. Special thanks to PKDR and AKAArzosah for their suggestions. They are responsible for Rules Forty-Two through Forty-Six. Sorry for reposting it but I needed to correct a few things.

* * *

The list had continued. By now most people had their suspicions about who was writing it (after all whoever it was had to be extremely knowledgeable about Atlantis's system) and people were now going up to SGA-1 and telling them about new incidents.

John and Rodney were amused. Teyla and Ronon just grumbled and tried not to smile.

**Rule Forty-Two: Do not eat from mysterious jars.**

**A. Do not eat strange off-world food period.**

Carson had been most upset. SGA-7 would have tried to defend themselves but they had been too busy throwing up.

**Rule Forty-Three: It is never just a harmless scratch.**

John grumbled and rubbed the fading scar Ellia had left him. Everyone else noted that SGA-1 was having a great time lecturing each other with the list.

**Rule Forty-Four: Only Doctor McKay is allowed to make Miko or any of the lab staff cry.**

**A. Or drive them to therapy.**

**B. Doctor Zelenka can too if they annoy him.**

Rodney had been furious when he had discovered Miko in tears. Airman Reece had never scrubbed floors so hard before in his life.

**Rule Forty-Five: Never ever seduce the King's daughter**

**A. Especially if the royal guards are nearby.**

**B. Even if she's "open-minded to new experiences."**

**C. Said King normally isn't.**

Doctor Cathy Sims did a lot of fast talking and A LOT of blushing. Everyone else went in to happy fantasy land. Or at lest the men.

**Rule Forty-Six: Do not make fun of the accents of the base personal. Ever.**

Airman Reece was having a bad month. It got worse once the Australian personal took their revenge.

**Rule Forty-Seven: If you are found being prejudice to someone for whatever reason, you will be shipped back on the Daedalus after Colonel Sheppard and his friendly Marines take you out to Boot Camp.**

Only those with open minds were allowed to stay. The ones who didn't either got themselves killed or were shipped back to Earth.

**Rule Forty-Eight: Do not show and/or tell those not native to Earth about the Karma Sutra.**

**A. Especially if it is fully illustrated.**

**B. Be mindful of the books you take off-world**

**C. Do not make us start banning books people**

This was the fault of SGA-6 and their Marines. On the other hand, the locals of MGX3475 had been willing to trade anything to get it.

**Rule Forty-Nine: Personal problems are not to interfere with missions.**

SGA-9 had been at odds because of their last poker game. It led to a reluctance to talk to one another that had nearly gotten them all killed. Afterwards they were sent off to group therapy with Heightmayer.

**Rule Fifty: You are not allowed to attach leashes to the scientists to keep them from wandering off.**

**A. Even though it works.**

SGA-7 had done that with their two scientists. The natives of MGY5763 had thought they were slavers.

**Rule Fifty-One: Alcohol is not to be taken Off-World.**

SGA-14 got drunk alongside the natives. It had gotten them new allies but Elizabeth had not been happy. John hadn't been either.

**Rule Fifty-Two: Picking the flowers Off-World is not permitted.**

**A. All plants are to be keep in cages or boxes from now on.**

Captain Richardson had picked a beautiful flower for Doctor McCarthy of the Botanist Department. It had turned out to be a Man-Eating Venus Fly Trap. Luckily no one had been killed but Sergeant Bates had not been happy.

**Rule Fifty-Three: Earth First/PETA members are not allowed in the labs.**

Doctors Grayson and Douglas had taken over the Labs and staged a riot. It took the military praying open the doors and forcibly dragging everyone out to end it.

**Rule Fifty-Four: Pointing and laughing is not a good idea.**

**A. You will most likely offend the natives.**

SGA-13 was not allowed to do anything but stand there and look pretty. They also got to be the first people to suffer through the anthropologists lessons on what not to do and what to do when greeting natives.

**Rule Fifty-Five: When talking to others about Earth culture, DO NOT start talking about soap operas!**

Major Laurence had been trying to be helpful. All she did was cause the natives to become horribly confused and wary of Earth people.

**Rule Fifty-Six: Decaf coffee is hereby banned from Atlantis.**

**A. If you want it keep it hidden in your room.**

**B. If it is already in a coffee machine warn people.**

The coffee in the Labs had been switched to decaf first. Then all the rest in Atlantis. What happened next was _not_ pretty and ten people ended up in the infirmary.

**Rule Fifty-Seven: If you have a camera, do not take pictures of the locals.**

The local Priests had though SGA-10 was trying to steal their souls. It led to a quick retreat back through the gate and disbelieving looks from the Command Staff.

**Rule Fifty-Eight: If it is brightly colored then ninety percent of the time it will be poisonous. **

MYA4786 was full of brightly colored tropical rainforests. SGA-8 learned the hard way that bright colored plants and animals were bad.

**Rule Fifty-Nine: Hitting the son of the local ruler is not a good idea.**

**A. Even if he was being a little too grabby with one of your team members.**

The local ruler's son had taken a shine to John. Teyla had cautioned him not to do anything drastic right before she, Ronon and Rodney had attacked said son. Rodney got the most hits in. It led to the next rule too.

**Rule Sixty: When challenged to a duel with swords do not say to your teammates "Of course I know what I'm doing! The pointy end goes in the other guy!"**

**A. It will not inspire confidence in them.**

John, Ronon and Teyla had crashed the duel. Rodney was still extremely grateful.

**Rule Sixty-One: Just because someone dared you to doesn't mean you should do it.**

Doctor Edwards had dared Captain Louis to walk blindfolded during their next mission. She accepted and hadn't believed her team when they shouted "Cliff!" Fortunately it wasn't a long fall and she came away with only a broken leg and a dislocated shoulder.

When he heard about it, John had icily informed them they would be staring on the list.

**Rule Sixty-Two: It is not nice to tease someone about their worse fears.**

**A. Especially Off-World.**

**B. There is such a thing as Karma.**

SGA-8 had gated to another planet and Captain Johnson had been teasing Major Laurence about her fear of big snakes. The planet they gated to turned out to be full of giant anacondas, the littlest being over seventy feet long. Major Laurence had been reduced to a gibbering wreck when SGA-8 came screaming through the Gate.

**Rule Sixty-Three: "How bad could it be?" "Nothing could go wrong now" or "What could possibly go wrong?" are never to be said.**

**A. We should not have to say this people.**

SGA-9 had said it. The world they were on nearly ended.

**Rule Sixty-Four: Do not threaten to hex somebody.**

**A. It causes the natives to panic.**

Doctor Kim had not been serious. The natives hadn't known that. Sergeant Adams was threatening to duck tape her mouth shut the next time they went Off-World.

**Rule Sixty-Five: Easter Egg Hunts are no longer allowed.**

Elizabeth had thought it would help people relax. Unfortunately the soldiers got a little too into it and started attacking one another for the eggs. Carson had not been amused.

**Rule Sixty-Six: Trust your friends. They have your best interests at heart**.

Rodney grumbled and glared. The other three ignored him.

**Rule Sixty-Seven: Caves. They will collapse once you enter them.**

**A. Even if they've been perfectly safe for the past two hundred years.**

The Atlantis Expedition was not having much luck with caves. SGA-11 had the worse luck though. The second they stepped into a cave it collapsed. Once was ignored. Twice was chalked up as bad luck. Twenty-four times was not.

**Rule Sixty-Eight: The Wraith are not to be referred to in reports as "the wannabe Draculas"**

**A. Remember we do send these reports to Earth weekly now**.

No one in Atlantis had noticed. However, Stargate Command had.

**Rule Sixty-Nine: Slumber parties are fine as long as they don't get out of hand.**

The women had decided to have a slumber party. It got very out of hand and the Mess Hall was painted bright pink. The women all got to repaint it.

**Rule Seventy: Sometimes you're better off not asking.**

Elizabeth had been forced to ask SGA-14 why the came back through the Gate naked. She promptly told John the next rule.

**Rule Seventy-One: When baby-sitting the Athosian children do not show them horror movies.**

**A. Or any cartoons either.**

The soldiers were still in trouble for that one. The Athosian parents had been less than pleased.

**Rule Seventy-Two: Do not remind any of the Command Staff about paper work they need to do.**

**A. They know. It will just make them cross.**

The Command Staff did not like to do paper work. Since the made contact with Earth again they could regrettably could not slack off. This tend to put them in bad moods.

**Rule Seventy-Three: Be diplomatic. It never hurts.**

SGA-10 learned that the hard way. The local Priest probably still wanted to burn them.

**Rule Seventy-Four: When handed clothing by the local ruler, shut up and put it on.**

**A. No matter how silly it looks.**

SGA-4 had protested. They got run off the planet.

**Rule Seventy-Five: Crazy Theories are good.**

**A. In this galaxy, very high possibility that they are correct.**

The Atlantis Expedition had been forced to acknowledge that several times. It made the scientists rather grumpy.

**Rule Seventy-Six: When Off-World, be sure of what you are accepting.**

Doctor Stacey had not been and wound up with a new wife. It probably would have been less heart attack inducing to everyone back on Atlantis if Doctor Stacey was not a woman as well.

On the other hand, when anyone asked one the ladies how the marriage was going they would smile and say very good.

**Rule Seventy-Seven: Jumper races are not allowed by the order of Doctor Weir.**

John and Rodney were still sulking over it.

**Rule Seventy-Eight: Do not take chocolate Off-World.**

SGA-14 had gotten mobbed by the natives. They limped back through the Gate extremely unhappy.

**Rule Seventy-Nine: Do not pay the scientists to write your reports.**

Elizabeth had not been amused. She also complained she was working with children and John and Rodney were to be quite because they were the biggest.

John and Rodney had wisely remained silent.

**Rule Eighty: Big cats are not nice kitties.**

SGA-2 had a mascot. The rest of Atlantis freaked out. They also were having trouble getting rid of it. Mainly because none of the soldiers were willing to get close to it. It looked like SGA-2 was going to be able to keep Fluffy.

**Rule Eighty-One: Gurney races are not allowed.**

**A. Neither are wheelchair races.**

**B. The rest of Atlantis would like to remind the Medical Department that you guys are suppose to be saving us, not killing us!**

The Medical Department got bored. The rest of Atlantis suffered for it.

**Rule Eighty-Two: Superglue is not to be used on people.**

Doctor Flagg was still upset about being super glued to Airman Reece. No one could blame him. Those responsible had apologized several times. He wasn't suppose to have been super glued to Reece. Unsurprisingly Flagg was plotting revenge.

Rodney shook his head as he sent the next rule. Really people could be such idiots. John smiled slightly at the look on Rodney's face than dragged him off. The four of them had decided to camp out on the balcony. Well it was more like Teyla and John had decided and Ronon and Rodney got dragged into it.

Rodney rolled his eyes and let himself be led to the balcony. Ronon and him would be getting their revenge soon enough anyway.


	3. Chapter 3

Title: The Atlantis Handbook

Notes: I love my reviewers. Thank you all so much! Again much thanks to PKDR for rule 109.

* * *

Everyone knew who was creating the List after the next rule was posted. Ronon and Rodney were swearing vengeance. Teyla and John had taken to avoiding them. Elizabeth just kept mumbling about how she worked with children.

**Rule Eighty-Three: If you're going to have a camp out on the balcony, make sure you check the weather.**

John and Teyla hadn't. The four of them spent several days in the Infirmary, recovering from their colds. Rodney and Ronon were giving the others the silent treatment and were busy plotting their revenge.

**Rule Eighty-Four: Do not get revenge Off-World.**

Rodney and Ronon had. Teyla and John ended up nearly getting sacrificed to the Wraith. Now it was the two of them refusing to speak to the others. Elizabeth was ready to strangle all four of them.

**Rule Eighty-Five: By orders of Doctor Weir, no more prank wars.**

SGA-1 started it. The scientists, techs and cooks were recruited to the side of Ronon and Rodney. Teyla and John got the soldiers, Athosians and somehow, everyone else would like to know how they managed it, the medics. Elizabeth finally put her foot down when the scientists and techs turned the other side neon yellow and flooded their bathrooms; the cooks made macaroni and cheese for five days straight and nothing else; the soldiers filled the Labs with shaving cream; and the medics started calling in the other side for "emergency" shots.

**Rule Eighty-Six: Nothing in this Galaxy is idiot proof. **

**A. Do not tempt Fate by saying that something is.**

That one was, according to mostly everybody, a big fat duh/

**Rule Eighty-Seven: No more paper clip chains competitions.**

**A. Or tic tac toe games.**

SGA-4 had decided to see who could make the biggest paper clip chain. It caused several riots when everyone else noticed the shortage of paper clips. Then they decided to play tic tac toe. They put one another in the Infirmary.

**Rule Eighty-Eight: Do not use teary eyes and pouting to get your way.**

**A. Do not attack people over said teary eyes and pouts.**

John, Laura Cadman, Major Laurence, Captain Dodson, Miko, Captain Matthews, Doctor McCarthy and Doctor Stacey's wife were very good at using teary eyes and pouts to get their way. Their teammates and/or significant others were very good at attacking people over it.

**Rule Eighty-Nine: Do not give philosophical lectures to our enemies.**

**A. They don't like it.**

Doctor Molane had. It had enraged the Ithacans, the natives of MXW456, so much that they nearly killed her and the rest of SGA-7 before back up arrived.

**Rule Ninety: No more bets about who's going to get injured.**

**A. It's rude people.**

**B. Stop betting about us!**

John, Rodney, Teyla and Ronon had discovered the betting pool about which one of them would come back injured. They weren't happy.

**Rule Ninety-One: No more kidnappings.**

John and Rodney got kidnapped. Again. For the twentieth time. Teyla and Ronon were annoyed and ended up destroying an entire civilization. It was really quite impressive.

Elizabeth didn't think so however. It was the sixth civilization SGA-1 alone had destroyed.

**Rule Ninety-Two: Fluffy is the only animal allowed in Atlantis.**

**A. This does not count the ones in the Labs.**

SGA-2 still had their mascot. The soldiers were still terrified of the sixteen foot kitty that followed SGA-2 around. Elizabeth decided no more pets, with no exceptions, in fear that Fluffy might eat said pets. No one argued.

Earth also finally read the reports where SGA-2 acquired Fluffy. John had helpfully sent along pictures. Now they were freaking out.

**Rule Ninety-Three: Do not paint Atlantis.**

Someone had decided to pain the Control Room during the night; it now depicted a very nice map of the stars in Atlantis's sky. The night techs of course claimed they didn't see anything. No one believed them.

**Rule Ninety-Four: No more food fights.**

**A. Even if the food tastes horrible.**

The Daedalus was late. The kitchen staff, still upset over the fact their Mess Hall was semi bright pink, decided to make root stew. It wasn't actual stew though; more like Jell-O made of Mainland Root. Atlantis rebelled, had a food fight and had to clean the Mess Hall.

The cooks finally got their Mess Hall looking normal though.

**Rule Ninety-Five: No more sponge races by orders of Doctor Beckett.**

The soldiers were antsy so they created a new sport. They tied wet sponges to their feet after spraying down a balcony. Then they had races. Majors Lorne, Laurence, and Raine were in the infirmary along with Captains Matthews and Stevens. Carson was furious. John was upset because Carson yelled at him.

**Rule Ninety-Six: The Gate is not to be referred to in reports as "The Gate of Doom."**

**A. Or "The Gate of Hell."**

**B. Or "The Portal to Mordor."**

**C. We should not have to say this people.**

Stargate Command had complained again. Apparently it caused flashbacks to when General O'Neil was still in command of SG-1.

**Rule Ninety-Seven: Stay away from the wildlife.**

SGA-1 loathed bugs. SGA-2 loathed giant bears. SGA-3 and 5 hated the dogs of the Pegasus Galaxy. SGA-4 took their dislike of rats to a whole new level of scary. SGA-6, 10 and 12 hated the birds. SGA-7, 9 and 14 twitched at the mention of snails; everyone else was afraid to ask why and the three teams weren't telling. Thankfully. SGA-8 still flinched at the mention of snakes; Major Laurence would start crying if someone mentioned them around her. SGA-13 hated bats. SGA-11 did not like the fishes. SGA-15 managed to nearly get eaten by giant worms. SGA-16 got attacked by giant man eating bunnies.

And SGA-2 had Fluffy too.

**Rule Ninety-Eight: The Lord of the Rings fanatics are not allowed to attack people.**

**A. They might deserve it but you can't do it.**

Airman Reece insulted Tolkien. The Lord of the Rings fans went nuts.

**Rule Ninety-Nine: Paint ball guns are not to be given to children.**

**A. When you baby-sit use common sense.**

**B. For convenience, and so the parents don't kill us, soldiers are not allowed to baby.**

One of these days the Athosian parents were going to kill the soldiers. And it would be bloody.

**Rule One Hundred: Bungee Jumping has been banned.**

Several people threw fits when the three Majors bungeed jumped off one of Atlantis's upper balconies. John was the one who ended up lecturing them because Elizabeth was nursing a headache and Carson developed a twitch in his eye whenever he saw them.

**Rule One Hundred One: Remote control cars are not to be driven down hallways.**

**A. Find an empty room if you want to race.**

The scientists bribed the Daedalus crew again. They also caused some minor injuries when they raced their new cars down the occupied hallways.

**Rule One Hundred Two: Do not try to get any of the techs to dress in red shirts.**

It drove several techs to Heightmayer. Kate wasn't happy. It was the first time anyone saw her lose her temper. She was frightening when angry.

**Rule One Hundred Three: Do not lock the Daedalus crew out of Atlantis and tell them they cannot enter until they say the password.**

Caldwell kept giving John the evil eyes over that one. John glared at everyone involved.

**Rule One Hundred Four: Jumanji is banned from Atlantis.**

**A. And/Or anything related to Jumanji.**

**B. Do NOT argue with us on this.**

One of the Daedalus crew members found an actual Jumanji board game and gave it to one of the scientists. The scientist then invited the rest of Atlantis to see how it worked. It started out great. Until Atlantis somehow managed to make it real. Then it wasn't so great.

**Rule One Hundred Five: Tell people before you shoot off fireworks.**

SGA-3 hadn't. They nearly got themselves killed.

**Rule One Hundred Six: Do not do something stupid to prove your point.**

SGA-16 had been Off-World and Doctor Flagg had refused to believe that the ring of toadstools could be a Fairy Ring. He and Captain Richardson had disagreed and then descended into an half an hour argument. Major Raine finally snapped and stepped into it to end the argument.

SGA-16 then discovered that Fairies are vicious people that should never ever be bothered. Major Raine's arm was his worse injury; it was broken in two places and would be in a cast for eight weeks. He wasn't happy. Elizabeth just downed Advil and added Fairies to the list of the enemies in the Pegasus Galaxy. It was a long list.

**Rule One Hundred Seven: Never go to a fair in the Pegasus Galaxy.**

The locals had invited SGA-11 to a fair. They barely escaped with their lives.

**Rule One Hundred Eight: Nothing is impossible.**

The Atlantis Expedition figured that one out in the first month alone. It was very hard to argue that one when there were life-sucking vampires hiding in the shadows.

**Rule One Hundred Nine: Wielding a Zippo Lighter does not make you the Fire God**

**A. Despite what the natives might believe**

**B. Or how much you've had to drink.**

SGA-14 went to a festival. They got drunk again. Captain Louis had a lighter. One thing led to another and MYR7569 had a new religion.

Elizabeth reached a whole new level of livid.

**Rule One Hundred Ten: Surprise parties should not be thrown for the soldiers.**

Captain Stevens nearly shot a couple people when startled. Luckily they ducked.

**Rule One Hundred Eleven: Do not put Christmas Lights on the Gate.**

**A. Or in the Gate Room.**

**B. Do not decorate the Gate or the Gate Room without permission.**

The night techs were easily bored and easily entertained. They were also extremely good at bribing the Daedalus crew.

**Rule One Hundred Twelve: Do not run with scissors.**

It was posted in the Science Labs and in the hallways connected to the Science Lab. Miko was still apologizing to Radek.

**Rule One Hundred Thirteen: Remember, you are not Daniel Jackson. If you die you will not get magically resurrected. **

After that rule was posted everyone tried to figure out how many times Daniel Jackson had died. Daniel also apparently heard about it and sent Rodney a note saying "You're just jealous." Rodney sent one back. Daniel sent another. Jack and John stopped it before it got ugly.

**Rule One Hundred Fourteen: Bagpipes are annoying. Do not play them over the speakers.**

SGA-5 found bagpipes. No one knew where. Rodney suspected Carson had something to do with it.

**Rule One Hundred Fifteen: Do not push the red button.**

SGA-6 found that one out the hard way. Sergeant Maxwell was ready to strangle the rest of his team in frustration.

**Rule One Hundred Sixteen: Stay away from Wraith worshipping cultures.**

There were actually a lot of planets where the people worshipped the Wraith. Both the Tauri and the Athosians found it unnerving.

**Rule One Hundred Seventeen: Messing with 'The Great Powers' is a bad idea.**

SGA-10 was refusing to tell exactly what happened. They came back battered, bruised, missing half of their clothes, and bright yellow.

**Rule One Hundred Eighteen: Legends are never just legends.**

In this Galaxy, legends of beings with great power were not false. It also made running into said legends usually very painful.

**Rule One Hundred Nineteen: The Harry Potter fans are not allowed to try and create magic wands.**

They tried. They burned down three labs in the ensuring explosion.

**Rule One Hundred Twenty: Do not play Metallica, Blink 182, or any of those types of bands Off-World.**

**A. The natives will not like it.**

SGA-5 discovered that one Captain Ryans was still trying to kill Lieutenant Smith over it.

**Rule One Hundred Twenty-One: Be discreet about the dartboards.**

The scientists helped the soldiers post the pictures onto the dartboards of the Expedition's most persistent enemies such as the Wraith and the Genii. It expanded and everyone had at lest three dartboards. Elizabeth and the rest of the Command Staff were concerned over what might happen if Caldwell discovered it. After all, it wasn't exactly ethical.

Heightmayer had volunteered that, if asked, she would claim it as therapeutic. Which it was.

**Rule One Hundred Twenty-Two: Do not try to escape from the Infirmary before Doctor Beckett says you can.**

**A. He will not be happy.**

Carson was at his wits ends. He was now resorting to restraints. And large needles.

**Rule One Hundred Twenty-Three: Taunting the Wraith is never a good idea.**

**A. Even if SGA-1 does it frequently.**

Carson was less than amused by the new hobby the SGA teams had picked up. He blamed SGA-1 for it. They couldn't argue it.

Rodney smiled slightly as he posted the latest rule before sighing. They had a mission today and all four of them had bad feelings about it.

This was so not going to end well.


	4. Chapter 4

Title: The Atlantis Handbook

Note: You guys are fantastic. Thanks to MuseUrania, PKDR. PhenioxGirl and AKAArzasah for Rules 126-135. Also thanks to Bansheighe44 for Rule 151. And my sister has my thanks for Rule 140 and for being my beta.

* * *

They were right. The last mission had not been fun. In fact it had been a disaster and a major headache. SGA-1 was still sulking over it. After hearing about what happened on it, no one could blame them. 

The scientists, except for Rodney, were ecstatic. They were gleefully disassembling the device after promising to be careful and not turn it on. The Medical Department started preparing for emergencies anyway.

**Rule One Hundred Twenty-Four: Time Travel is bad and confusing.**

SGA-1 did not have fun on their latest mission. They ended up traveling through time and being very annoyed. On the plus side they only had minor injuries. Privately everyone else was more amazed about that than the time travel.

**Rule One Hundred Twenty-Five: Do not use the Orion for joy rides.**

Elizabeth put a stop to it. Everyone else was disappointed.

**Rule One Hundred Twenty-Six: Don't allow Off-World women to place wreaths of flowers on your head.**

**A. Then dance with them in the center of a circle.**

**B. Or allow the village to toast you in a language your linguist doesn't understand.**

**C. Above three are NEVER good put together as it means you've just obtained a new wife.**

John had. Rodney laughed himself sick. Luckily Teyla was able to get John out of it.

**Rule One Hundred Twenty-Seven: Puddle Jumpers do not glide.**

**A. They fall.**

**B. Fast.**

**C. They're heavy too.**

SGA-4 had tried to impress the villagers by landing in the village square. They'd crushed the village chief's house and killed some of his livestock. They subsequently lost the trading deal for the coffee-like beans. Rodney wasn't talking to them.

**Rule One Hundred Twenty-Eight: The Mess Hall is not to be referred to as "The Grand Experiment."**

Caldwell took to hiding in his ship around meal time. Everyone else either hid in their offices, rooms or in the labs.

**Rule One Hundred Twenty-Nine: Fluffy MUST be house trained soon.**

SGA-2 was beginning to regret their mascot. Everyone else already did.

**Rule One Hundred Thirty: Only Doctor Weir is allowed to call Doctor McKay "my grumbly little cuddly bear."**

Cuddly Bear was not amused. John was. In Elizabeth's defense, she was drunk at the time.

**Rule One Hundred Thirty-One: Stop selling the new soldiers "Dictionaries of Techno-Babble."**

**A. No such guide exists. It will not help them understand the scientists.**

**B. This is just cruel people.**

The "Old Guard" was disappointed. They had racked in a lot of money. And candy.

**Rule One Hundred Thirty-Two: Mission reports are not stories and you are not Tolkien.**

**A.** "**Once Upon A Time" is not a valid opening statement.**

**B. Neither is "There once was a Brilliant Astrophysicist."**

**C. And never close with "And They Lived Happily Ever After."**

Apparently there were quite a lot of flashbacks happening back on Earth. Major Davis had nearly been reduced to tears. Atlantis, on the other hand, seemed to be gleefully attempting to drive Earth insane.

Elizabeth, John and Rodney just smiled innocently when Caldwell asked if that was their grand plan to get whatever they wanted.

**Rule One Hundred Thirty-Three: The non-ATA humans are not to be referred to as insignificant mortals.**

Kate had not been pleased. And there was much rejoicing throughout the land. Or at lest the formerly insignificant mortals were rejoicing.

**Rule One Hundred Thirty-Four: Hero class is hereby cancelled by order of Doctor Weir.**

**A. It's giving the soldiers bad habits.**

Sheppard sulked. He wasn't happy over the loss of his "padwans."

**Rule One Hundred Thirty-Five: Even in Pegasus, some things are too good to be true.**

**A. Truthfully we should not have to say this.**

SGA-6 had done it again. The glorious weapon had definitely not been what they were expecting.

Elizabeth refused to let them turn the very scary pregnant red head lose on the Wraith. SGA-6 thought she was upset over the fact that the very scary pregnant red head was now living on Atlantis and Lieutenant Kelly was going to be the baby's adopted father.

**Rule One Hundred Thirty-Six: The answer to the village leader's question of why you should be allowed to look at the ruins is NOT "Sic him Fluffy!"**

**A. It may be effective as hell but it doesn't win us any allies.**

On the other hand SGA-2 got to look at the ruins. And the natives of MFG576 were falling over themselves in order to please the Atlantis Expedition to insure that they didn't bring their kitty back.

**Rule One Hundred Thirty-Seven: Do not mock the explosive experts.**

**A. It will not be pretty.**

Several people had made that mistake. They then found out why the explosive experts were the explosive experts. Said explosive experts blew up their showers and thus flooded their rooms.

**Rule One Hundred Thirty-Eight: Bubble gum is not allowed Off-World.**

Sergeant Jordan had brought some Off-World. It scared the local Priests. Major Lorne was not pleased. Neither was the rest of SGA-3.

**Rule One Hundred Thirty-Nine: Cute and cuddly does not mean friendly in the Pegasus.**

SGA-9 had gated to a world full of creatures that looked like a mix between a cat and a bunny. Cadman had thought they were cute. Sergeant Clark and Captain Stevens had reminded her of Fluffy. They were right. The cute little cat bunnies ate meat. And they swarmed. SGA-9 proceeded to run for their lives.

**Rule One Hundred Forty: Do not tell the natives that you are Jedi Knights.**

**A. You don't really have the Force.**

SGA-15 had done it. The natives believed them. They revamped their religion in honor of "The great Jedi Knights who fight the Wraith."

Elizabeth was not happy. It was the fifth religion that had been formed by one of Atlantis teams.

**Rule One Hundred Forty-One: Do not tell the natives "We are not here. It is all in your mind."**

**A. It won't work.**

**B. It will just annoy them.**

SGA-11 should have known better. Lieutenant Smith just claimed that it was worth a try.

**Rule One Hundred Forty-Two: From this moment on the "Toaster Incident" is never to be mentioned.**

**A. Ever.**

The Toaster Incident would forever remain a secret between the Expedition members. All Caldwell was able to discover was that it had something to do with a gender switching toaster.

**Rule One Hundred Forty-Three: Pogo Sticks. ..Just no.**

Somehow SGA-5 bribed the Daedalus crew to bring them pogo sticks. It turned out to be a very bad idea. This was really not surprising when a person thought about it.

**Rule One Hundred Forty-Four: Do not knock your friends out.**

**A. They might be stubborn but it's still a bad idea.**

**B. Even though it works.**

**C. Doctor Beckett doesn't like it.**

John and Rodney had been arguing. Teyla managed to lure Rodney into the room she and Ronon planned to lock the other two in. Ronon had a harder time and finally just knocked John out. John was understandably annoyed. So was Carson.

On the other hand, John and Rodney were speaking to one another again. They were also back to happily causing chaos and destruction. Elizabeth claimed she wasn't sure which she preferred: John and Rodney speaking or refusing to speak.

**Rule One Hundred Forty-Five: The kitchen staff does not care what you like.**

**A. Arguing with them will achieve nothing.**

The kitchen staff could not be bribed. It made the rest of Atlantis rather sulky

**Rule One Hundred Forty-Six: Jumping off cliffs is not allowed.**

**A. Unless it's an emergency.**

SGA-1 had taken a dive off a cliff into a river to avoid the angry natives on their last mission. Carson and Elizabeth had been less than pleased to hear about it. They seemed to think that it was going to inspire more bad habits, and thus the latest rule.

**Rule One Hundred Forty-Seven: The phrase "In a galaxy far, far away" has been banned.**

**A. It's not funny anymore.**

The first couple of times it had been amusing. After the two hundred and tenth it was annoying.

**Rule One Hundred Forty-Eight: Appearances are deceptive.**

SGA-1 was thinking of the Genii. SGA-13 was thinking about the planet with the pink sky, beautiful waterfalls, cute and friendly wildlife and really unfriendly natives.

**Rule One Hundred Forty-Nine: Never underestimate the stupidity of your enemies.**

The Atlantis Expedition was getting ridiculously good at jailbreaks.

**Rule One Hundred Fifty: Atlantis is sentient.**

**A. Don't piss her off.**

The scientists had raised hell when they figured this one out. Elizabeth just grumbled that it figured and glared at John. John protested that it wasn't his fault and would people please stop blaming him for Atlantis's mood swings?

**Rule One Hundred Fifty-One: Do not mess with the scientists.**

**A. They always come up with ways of saving your collective arses. Remember this military. We are the ones who save you.**

**B. Don't piss them off either. They will get their revenge when you lest expect it.**

The Science Department was understandably smug. It wasn't like anyone could argue with it either.

**Rule One Hundred Fifty-Two: Do not try to excuse your actions with "It seemed like a good idea at a time."**

SGA-1 struck again. Elizabeth had not been amused with that excuse. The ensuring lecture was particularly nasty.

**Rule One Hundred Fifty-Three: Do not lob stress balls at people's heads.**

Carson snapped and threw his stress ball at John's head. John ducked. Rodney, who had been entering the infirmary at the time, hadn't.

**Rule One Hundred Fifty-Four: When experimenting, use common sense.**

Several scientists hadn't and ended up shorting out all the lights in Atlantis. Rodney was furious and broke his record; he managed to call them idiots sixty-three different ways before repeating himself.

**Rule One Hundred Fifty-Five: Do not wage wars over materials.**

**A. Just hold on until the Daedalus arrives with more.**

The Chemists had thought that the Botanists were hoarding coffee and went to war against them. The military had to be called in to break it up and Carson had twelve new patients. The Command Staff was depressed. They thought they wouldn't have to deal with any supply wars now that they were back in contact with Earth.

**Rule One Hundred Fifty-Six: Strip poker is not to be played Off-World.**

SGA-15 had engaged in a game of friendly strip poker Off-World. Only problem was that the natives kept the clothes they lost. Sergeant Matthews and Lieutenant Roberts came back naked. Doctor Nelson had smugly walked through the Gate completely clothed.

**Rule One Hundred Fifty-Seven: Barney is not to be mentioned Off-World.**

SGA-12 freaked out the locals on MVC546 by talking to them about Barney. Apparently they made a couple kids cry.

**Rule One Hundred Fifty-Eight: Do not paint the Puddle Jumpers.**

Someone had painted the Puddle Jumper that John and Radek had used to rescue Rodney from the bottom of the ocean a bright yellow. People were referring to it now as the Yellow Submarine. John and Radek were furious that someone had dared to paint the Puddle Jumpers.

**Rule One Hundred Fifty-Nine: If one of the locals gives you a map that tells you where some ruins of highly advanced Ancient technology are AND how to get back to the Stargate, DO NOT LOSE IT!**

SGA-16 had the map. Lieutenant Kling lost it. SGA-16 was hopelessly lost. They eventually found their way to the ruins and waited there for the backup teams to find them.

The rest of Atlantis was swearing to never let them live it down.

**Rule One Hundred Sixty: Do not give pyromaniacs matches.**

**A. Or lighters.**

**B. Or anything that can be used to create fire.**

Captain Louis was a pyro. The rest of SGA-14 should have known better than to give her matches.

**Rule One Hundred Sixty-One: Do not sing annoying songs Off-World.**

**A. Especially "This Is the Song That Never Ends"**

The natives, for some reason, had issues with Earth's more annoying songs. This of course led several teams to do all they could to annoy them. Notably SGA-4.

**Rule One Hundred Sixty-Two: Also do not ask local guides "Are we there yet?" every five minutes.**

**A. The helpful local guides will no longer be helpful if you do.**

SGA-4 was having a competition to see who could annoy the most locals Off-World. Elizabeth put a stop to it once she learned of it. To say she was unhappy about the competition was an understatement.

**Rule One Hundred Sixty-Three: Sock puppets are not to be taken Off-World.**

**A. Do NOT give little children X rated puppet shows!**

SGA-13 had. The natives had been extremely unhappy and blamed Atlantis for their children's sudden education.

**Rule One Hundred Sixty-Four: Rubber bands are not to be used as weapons.**

The soldiers had been going around and shooting rubber bands at people. The scientists retaliated. It descended into war.

Rodney glared at John after posting the latest rule. He blamed John. John glared back. He claimed it was not his fault. Teyla cleared her throat and gave them the _look_. Sheepishly they got up to follow her for Team Movie Night.


	5. Chapter 5

Title: The Atlantis Handbook

Notes: You guys are so awesome. I am seriously in love with all of you! Special thanks to Bansheighe44, PhenioxGirl, Reefgirl, and MuseUrania for their contributions! They are responsible for Rules 167-170.

And I apologize for the shorter chapter and for the delay in posting. It would have been longer and posted sooner if someone didn't keep hacking into my account and cutting off my internet access. To whoever is hacking my account, I will kill you if you don't knock it off.

* * *

Rodney stared. John stared. Teyla stared. Ronon stared. Then they stared at each. They knew what the next Rule was going to be. 

**Rule One Hundred Sixty-Five: Do not bite the Wraith.**

The Wraith had appeared on the planet SGA-11 had gated to. One of the Wraith had been about to feed on Lieutenant Banner's life. He bite the Wraith instead. It gave his team the chance to kill the Wraith. Of course when SGA-11 arrived back in Atlantis, Lieutenant Banner was sick. This frightened everyone into thinking they were going to have another person turning into Wraith. Apparently Wraith blood gave people viral infections but it didn't act like the retrovirus. Lieutenant Banner was extremely happy to hear that.

**Rule One Hundred Sixty-Six: Giant spiders do not come back through the Gate with you.**

A giant spider had chased SGA-13 off the planet they were on. Atlantis didn't get the shield up in time and it came through with them. It critically injured seven people before Shelob, as Lieutenant Anders dubbed it, met Fluffy. Fluffy won.

The rest of Atlantis was now very fond of Fluffy.

**Rule One Hundred Sixty-Seven: Don't give the natives nicknames before you've made friends.  
****A. Especially if the linguists don't know the language well.**

SGA 7 had. Apparently, Hercules meant 'big, stupid animal' to the natives. Lieutenant Katsopolis had to be carried back to the gate by his teammates, once they rescued him from being beaten up.

**Rule One Hundred Sixty-Eight: Do not piss off the Chefs.**

**A. They will make your lives miserable.**

**B. Like serving Cauliflower cheese for a month.**

Airman Reece insulted the Chefs. The Chefs took it out on all of Atlantis. The rest of Atlantis was not happy and forced Airman Reece to apologize.

**Rule One Hundred Sixty-Nine: No more referring to Colonel Sheppard as Captain Kirk, Kirk of Atlantis or Kirk-o-Pegasus.**

**A. Or describing his actions toward women as "Kirking it up."**

**B. Especially in reference to the incident with Pheobus and Thalan.**

**C. Not only will you piss him off, you'll have to deal with Doctor Weir.**

John was getting a little tired and annoyed by the Kirk comments. Elizabeth wasn't happy with the references to Thalan and Pheobus. Everyone else decided it would be a good idea to never mention it again.

**Rule One Hundred Seventy: The bigger the BOOM, the bigger the mess you'll have to clean up.**

SGA-1 discovered this one ages ago thanks to a certain Lieutenant Colonel.

**Rule One Hundred Seventy-One: Check to see if the television is plugged in before panicking. **

SGA-15 had been having their Team Movie Night and hadn't been able to turn on the television. They panicked. Everyone else panicked thinking that the only television in Atlantis was broken. Rodney was the one who discovered that it just hadn't been plugged in.

**Rule One Hundred Seventy-Two: Do not build Lightsabers.**

The Science Department had. The soldiers then wanted some. Obviously it hadn't ended well. Carson twitched whenever someone mentioned _Star Wars_ near him.

**Rule One Hundred Seventy-Three: If you don't know what it does, do not touch it.**

Doctor Richards hadn't known what the device did. He touched it anyway. The device turned the women bright pink, the men dark blue and turned Atlantis bright yellow with green polka dots. No one was happy.

**Rule One Hundred Seventy-Four: Skiing Off-World is not allowed.**

SGA-3 had taught the people of NAE456 how to ski. The people then had ski competitions that started a war. Elizabeth had been most unhappy.

**Rule One Hundred Seventy-Five: The Valsurions are never to be given weapons.**

**A. The only exception is if the Wraith attack.**

**B. We mean it people**

The Valsurions may be one of Atlantis' allies but they were trigger happy and insane. They also had a very strange sense of humor to top it off.

**Rule One Hundred Seventy-Six: It is better to be safe than sorry.**

No one had thought it strange when some of the Athosian children started talking to someone only they could see. Everyone just assumed it was an Imaginary Friend. It turned out that their 'Imaginary Friend' was really another Ancient experiment gone wrong and had been feeding off the children's energy. Atlantis had been able to save the kids and the soldiers started searching the city for anymore experiments.

**Rule One Hundred Seventy-Seven: The best ideas come right before impending death.**

**A. However we recommend that you get inspiration before then.**

**B. Last minute saves are great causes for heart attacks.**

SGA-1 was known for this and for causing several near heart attacks. They were very apologetic about it though.

**Rule One Hundred Seventy-Eight: If you are going to use code words, make sure your team understands the code words first.**

Captain Ryans had discovered that the natives were hostile when they took him hostage. He attempted to make that clear to his team without alerting the natives what had happened and that the natives planned to sacrifice them and that his team should go get help. His team had no clue what he was saying. It took a while for them to catch on.

**Rule One Hundred Seventy-Nine: Do not chase your team members down hallways crying "Don't you want a hug?"**

**A. Especially if you're Off-World.**

SGA-4 had struck again. Everyone else was beginning to wonder about their sanity.

**Rule One Hundred Eighty: Harmonicas are not to be taken Off-World.**

SGA-13 somehow got harmonicas. To say the natives didn't like harmonicas was an understatement. Elizabeth swore she was going to have a long talk with Caldwell about the things his crew was buying for the Atlantis personal.

**Rule One Hundred Eighty-One: The more unconventional the plan is, the better it will work.**

Every single SGA team knew this. Every SG team knew it too.

**Rule One Hundred Eighty-Two: Slingshots are not to be brought Off-World.**

Everyone was surprised that it was the fault of SGA-12. They were usually well behaved.

**Rule One Hundred Eighty-Three: Listen when people shout 'Duck!'**

Doctor Molane had thought Lieutenant Katsopolis was talking about an actual duck. SGA-5 was not the only team that needed to talk about each person's meaning of certain words.

**Rule One Hundred Eighty-Four: Do not befriend creepy natives.**

The people of NBA579 might be useful allies but they were extremely creepy. Someone mentioned that they reminded her of the natives from Peter Jackson's _King Kong_. No one argued. SGA-6, of course, befriended them. Coincidentally they were the only team ever sent to NBA579.

**Rule One Hundred Eighty-Five: Earth has questionable establishments. Do not mention them.**

**A. Strip Clubs are on the list.**

**B. So is Ancient Rome.**

**C. Use common sense.**

No one knew what motivated SGA-10 into explaining strip clubs, Ancient Rome or the first two World Wars to the people of NBE689 but no one was pleased about it.

**Rule One Hundred Eighty-Six: Do not play with dynamite.**

SGA-11, dynamite and caves. It was a combination that was just _asking_ for trouble.

**Rule One Hundred Eighty-Seven: Do not dye your teammates different colors Off-World.**

SGA-8 had been on a world where apparently a person that was green meant they had a disease. Doctor Ford was still upset with her teammates.

**Rule One Hundred Eighty-Eight: The Medical Staff knows what is good for you.**

**A. For the sake of your health, listen to them.**

**B. Do we really need to keep repeating this?**

Wisely, no one pointed out that it was SGA-1 that was the hardest to keep in the Infirmary.

**Rule One Hundred Eighty-Nine: When Off-World, do not follow your tour guide around asking "Why?"**

**A. Knock it off SGA-4.**

SGA-4 was the second team that had to suffer through the anthropologists lectures about how to interact with people. SGA-13 laughed at them. SGA-13 was happy that another team had to suffer through the lectures too.

**Rule One Hundred Ninety: Grenades are not toys.**

**A. Do not play catch with them.**

SGA-14 had the brilliant idea to play catch with their grenades. SGA-14 and grenades. Oh shit had been the term best used to describe the incident

**Rule One Hundred Ninety-One: The song "Follow the Yellow Brick Road" is not to be sung Off-World either.**

SGA-9 had either been on drugs or had been high on caffeine. Needless to say that the locals had been a little freaked out when the four of them came skipping through the Gate singing "Follow the Yellow Brick Road."

**Rule One Hundred Ninety-Two: Monty Pylon is not to be quoted Off-World.**

SGA-16 had been arrested. In an attempt to annoy their captors into letting them go they had sung the "Lumberjack Song" at the top of their lungs. It worked. The locals begged Atlantis to take them away.

SGA-16 had been very smug.

**Rule One Hundred Ninety-Three: People, use common sense.**

The device had warning on it. SGA-14 touched it anyway. Carson said that their hair would grow back in two more days but he had no clue how to turn them back into people. Rodney and the rest of the Science Department were working on it. SGA-2 was trying to make sure that Fluffy didn't eat the now bunny versions of SGA-14.

**Rule One Hundred Ninety-Four: Team bonding is not to include pranking the new recruits.**

SGA-15 had decided they needed to do some team bonding. The new recruits had not been happy to wake up to find that their quarters were now filled with shaving cream. Everyone else finally figured out why SGA-15 had been going around humming the theme song to _Mission Impossible_.

**Rule One Hundred Ninety-Five: Just because they did it in the movies, it doesn't mean you have to do it.**

**A. Pay attention Science Department.**

The Science Department had built a shrink ray. It went off right when John, Ronon, Teyla and Caldwell had entered the Labs. Rodney had been furious. The four who got shrunk weren't very happy either.

**Rule One Hundred Ninety-Six: Our motto is not "Something weird is going on."**

**A. Officially at lest.**

**B. Do not make shirts with the motto on it. Plausible denial people.**

For some reason Stargate Command didn't like Atlantis' motto. So officially it wasn't.

**Rule One Hundred Ninety-Seven: According to Doctor Beckett, paper cuts are not medical emergencies.**

Atlantis personal was apparently capable of handling anything but paper cuts.

Elizabeth and Carson were not amused by that little detail.

**Rule One Hundred Ninety-Eight: Do not pass notes during a briefing.**

**A. Doctor Weir will not be happy.**

**B. Neither will Colonel Caldwell.**

SGA-1 had been very very bored. Elizabeth and Caldwell kept saying they had the maturity of seven year olds.

**Rule One Hundred Ninety-Nine: Pointing at one another and shouting "It's his fault!" will not get you out of trouble.**

**A. It will, in fact, get you into more trouble.**

Atlantis was seriously beginning to consider the possibility that John and Rodney were really siblings.

**Rule Two Hundred: Playdoh is to be kept on Atlantis.**

SGA-10 took playdoh Off-World with them. Some kid ate some of it. The parents had not been happy.

The alarm suddenly blared through Atlantis. John and Rodney exchanged looks and dashed out with Ronon and Teyla on their heels.


	6. Chapter 6

Title: The Atlantis Handbook

Notes: I am so sorry that this is so late. My internet decided it didn't want to work for me for the past two weeks. The next chapter should be up a lot quicker than this one was. Again I'm really sorry.

And special thanks to Bansheighe44, GaurdianAngelLisa, Belisse, AKAArzosah, prue, and Errant of the Violet Shockers for their contributions. Basically Rules 201-208. And 210.

* * *

It was amazing how many things could go wrong in such a short amount of time. All of Atlantis was bruised, sore and in horrible moods. The Medical Department was the most upset. However, the Science Department was a close second. They were unhappy and complaining that they now had a shortage of supplies. Luckily the Daedalus would be arriving soon and they would stop complaining. 

Of course SGA-1 wasn't happy. Neither was Elizabeth. SGA-1, however, was in a position to take it out on everyone else.

**Rule Two Hundred One: Do not leave your backpacks unattended to Off-World.**

SGA-5 had been Off-World and Doctor Allen had left her backpack leaning against the wall of the temple. Unfortunately for Atlantis a monkey like creature decided to use it as a bed. It was only when Doctor Allen opened her backpack back on Atlantis did anyone realized what had happened.

The injuries either came from the monkey or jumping out of the way as Fluffy attacked. Fluffy got lunch and Doctor Allen was very apologetic. The Science Department was still mad at her. The monkey got into the Labs.

**Rule Two Hundred Two: What goes around comes around and bites you back with vengeance**.

It happened literally to Rodney. He was mean to a little kid and the kid's older sibling bit him. The parents were mortified. John, Ronon and Teyla couldn't stop laughing for hours.

**Rule Two Hundred Three: Do not mix labels.**

**A. There are people with allergies.**

Doctor Richardson was allergic to pollen. There was a mix up with the labeling system and he was in the Infirmary for five days, covered in hives. He was extremely unhappy.

**Rule Two Hundred Four: Many animals can understand your tone of voice. Do not be patronizing.**

**A. This includes large felines with sharp pointy claws.**

Airman Reece was trying very hard to avoid the very angry 'cutey puddy tat'. 90 of Atlantis' personnel were making this hard by trying to get him into the same room with Fluffy.

**Rule Two Hundred Five: Male personal are not to go AWOL on planets with male-worshipping Amazon Women unless their lives are threatened.**

**A. THAT is not life threatening. You know what we mean boys.**

**B. Similarly, women are not to pronounce the male members of their team 'slaves' because it seems to be the 'in thing' on a particular planet.**

Teyla and Doctor Weir had decided on this rule. Three fifths of SGA-8 requested amendment B.

**Rule Two Hundred Six: Do not repeat any mishaps by SGA teams (especially SGA-1) in the presence of Colonel Caldwell.**

**A. Remember people, sometimes my stories differ from the 'official' truth.**

Apparently SGA-1 hadn't wanted Earth to know what actually happened on NCS4576. Colonel Caldwell learned the truth due to the gossip on Atlantis. He wasn't happy with SGA-1.

**Rule Two Hundred Seven: Haggis is disgusting. Do not talk the Chefs into making them.**

**A. We promise to not get injured on our next mission, Carson.**

Carson somehow talked the Chefs into making Haggis. In retaliation the rest of Atlantis refused to eat anything but candy bars for three days. Eventually a truce was settled. Sort of.

**Rule Two Hundred Eight: The ATA carriers are not to be treated as lab rats.**

**A. There are other ATA carriers people. You don't all need my help.**

John was getting cranky. He didn't mind if it was Rodney and Radek or if it was an emergency but he did mind the fact that no one but him was playing lab rat.

**Rule Two Hundred Nine: Do not get tattoos Off-World.**

SGA-1 now had matching tattoos. They thought that their tattoos were pretty cool, especially since it kept the natives from chopping off SGA-1's heads. Well, Rodney liked the tattoo after he stopped panicking about getting an alien version of AIDS.

Carson, however, freaked out. SGA-1 was currently sulking in the Infirmary.

**Rule Two Hundred Ten: Cigarettes are not to be taken Off-World. **

Sergeants Yang and Sawyer of SGA-6 were smokers. They lit up Off-World. Bad idea was the short summary. The somewhat longer one involved explaining how cigarettes led to nearly being sacrificed to a Volcano God and how the Civil War began on that planet.

**Rule Two Hundred Eleven: Fine is not an acceptable word.**

SGA-1 tended to use 'fine' when they had a small cut and when they were bleeding to death. For some reason the Medical Department began to despair hearing that word from them.

**Rule Two Hundred Twelve: When vacationing with your friends, make sure it's not too long a vacation.**

After a mission gone horribly wrong, SGA-10 had decided to spend a couple of weeks on Earth together. They spent six days together then had to go their separate ways to avoid killing one another.

On the other hand, they lasted longer than the betting pool had thought they would.

**Rule Two Hundred Thirteen: Do not gossip in your mission reports.**

SGA-5 had no shame. They also caused the mental breakdowns of several people back on Earth. They apparently did not want to know the gossip of Atlantis. Or it might have been the fact that SGA-5 had decided to explain the gossip pertaining to certain people's sex lives.

**Rule Two Hundred Fourteen: Life is full of unexpected surprises.**

SGA-7 had certainly not expected to walk out of the Gate and have a four month year old child thrust into Sergeant Adams' arms. They then didn't expect for the natives to refuse to take the child back. SGA-7 was now the proud parents of Baby Lisa.

**Rule Two Hundred Fifteen: There is no Rule Two Hundred Fifteen.**

SGA-1 quietly went into hiding. The rest of Atlantis quietly made plans to hunt them down.

**Rule Two Hundred Sixteen: Do not give away the jelly donuts.**

Oh there had been hell to pay when the rest of Atlantis discovered that SGA-13 had given away the last of the jelly donuts to the natives. It didn't matter that SGA-13 would have died if they hadn't. The jelly donuts had been the last donuts on Atlantis.

**Rule Two Hundred Seventeen: Leave the giant mutant jelly fish alone.**

A giant jelly fish like creature had taken up residence in the ocean around Atlantis. The Marine Biologists had adopted it with a fervor that unnerved everyone else. Fluffy also befriended it. That worried people.

The other day, some of the other scientists had been bored and started teasing the giant mutant jelly fish though. Everyone then learned that the giant mutant jelly fish, nicknamed Squishy, could fly. And that Squishy did not like to be teased.

Atlantis proceeded to go into lock down. Squishy was calmed down by offerings of pie.

**Rule Two Hundred Eighteen: Do not attack people with sporks.**

Doctor Yand insulted Doctor Flennin so she attacked him with a spork. Everyone else swore that they were never looking at sporks the same way again.

**Rule Two Hundred Nineteen: Do not make shadow puppets Off-World.**

Cadman was very good at shadow puppets and actually made a pretty good Wraith shadow puppet. Unfortunately the natives of NDC4567 were not nearlyas impressed as everyone back on Atlantis had been.

**Rule Two Hundred Twenty: The Sewing Club is not allowed to attack people with their needles.**

**A. It doesn't matter what they said, you can't do it.**

Atlantis had a Sewing Club. Then again it wasn't as if Atlantis personal could send their clothes off to be fixed anywhere else if said clothes were ripped or torn. It didn't mean that people didn't tease the members of the Sewing Club though.

The Sewing Club, however, was very good at getting revenge.

**Rule Two Hundred Twenty-One: Do not paint the Daedalus.**

**A. Do it again and Colonel Caldwell will kill you.**

**B. Do you people want the Daedalus to stop bringing us nice things?**

Someone had painted the Daedalus, the night before it departed back for Earth, a shocking bright pink. To say that Caldwell and the Daedalus crew were furious was the greatest understatement in human history.

**Rule Two Hundred Twenty-Two: If you are going to wander about Atlantis, stay in radio contact.**

SGA-10 had decided to explore Atlantis some more on their latest free day. They got lost. SGA-1 and 2 had to go find them.

**Rule Two Hundred Twenty-Three: Be mindful of little children.**

The children of NDF1458 still wanted to know why they couldn't say fuck or damnit. SGA-6 was also not allowed back on the planet.

**Rule Two Hundred Twenty-Four: Play nice with one another.**

Elizabeth insisted on that Rule.

**Rule Two Hundred Twenty-Five: All American personal are not allowed to use the word 'Dude' after every four words.**

**A. You win.**

The Americans had decided to strike back after the other nations teamed up and insulted them. The word 'dude' was now the bane of every other nationality on Atlantis.

**Rule Two Hundred Twenty-Six: Nothing is simple in this Galaxy.**

It didn't mean that the SGA teams wouldn't like things to be simple. Just, unfortunately, that it never was.

**Rule Two Hundred Twenty-Seven: Do not take fireworks Off-World.**

SGA-6 had given the King Kong natives of NBA579 fireworks. The natives of NBA579 and SGA-6 then got lectures on how to prevent forest fires.

**Rule Two Hundred Twenty-Eight: Disney songs are not to be sung Off-World.**

SGA-12 had taken to singing songs from Disney movies. Some cultures liked them and now wanted to see the movies. Other cultures didn't.

**Rule Two Hundred Twenty-Nine: Color contacts are to be normal colors.**

Lieutenant Smith had thought it would be cool to have red eyes. The natives of the planet SGA-5 had gated to had a different opinion of red eyes.

**Rule Two Hundred Thirty: Do not give children paint then walk away!**

**A. Supervise people!**

**B. You will clean up the aftermath if you don't.**

Atlantis was horrible at baby-sitting the Athosian children.

**Rule Two Hundred Thirty-One: Roller blading down hallways is not allowed.**

**A. Neither is riding a bicycle.**

**B. Do not skateboard down stairs either.**

**C. Not even if Colonel Sheppard does it.**

The Atlantis personal had very little common sense. John especially.

**Rule Two Hundred Thirty-Two: Pop songs are not to be played over the speakers.**

**A. No one likes them.**

**B. Do it again and we'll sic Ronon and Fluffy on you.**

A couple of the scientists resorted to playing Brittany Spears and Mariah Carey over the Atlantis communication system to get their way. SGA-1 and 2 resorted to the unholy alliance Ronon and Fluffy had formed to win.

**Rule Two Hundred Thirty-Three: Furbies stay on Atlantis.**

Doctor Biro had thought it would be funny if she put a Furby in Doctor Flagg's backpack. She hadn't known that SGA-16 was going Off-World that day. Needless to say, the locals had been freaked out by the Furby of Doom.

**Rule Two Hundred Thirty-Four: Do not destroy property Off-World.**

Elizabeth was very annoyed with the amount of property damage the SGA teams tended to cause. Everyone else thought that it was the fault of SGA-14 and their pyro ways.

SGA-14 responded by saying they hadn't meant to blow up that city; it just kinda happened.

**Rule Two Hundred Thirty-Five: Do not spread the Superman myth to other planets.**

SGA-15 had gotten into a discussion about Superman Off-World. Atlantis thus became responsible for creating a total of forty-two religions in a little over two years.

"You know," John said thoughtfully as he leaned over Rodney's shoulder to get a better look at the screen, "the new Superman movie is opening on Earth in a few weeks."

"I know," Rodney rolled his eyes. The Science Department was dived into two warring fractions: one supported X-Men: The Last Stand and the other supported Superman Returns.

Ronon looked thoughtful. "Can we get the pirated version?" Ronon and Teyla had learned about pirated movies very quickly. That was because most of Atlantis's collection was pirated.

John looked thoughtful. So did Rodney. Teyla just sighed.


	7. Chapter 7

**Title: The Atlantis Handbook**

**Author's Note: Sorry this took so long but end of school and moving took up all my time. And well to be honest I ran out of ideas. So everyone this is the last chapter. I hoped you guys enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing it.**

**To everyone who read this, thank you all so much.**

**And special thanks to Errant of the Violet Shockers, Amon-100, Pyro, Augusta, ROTFL, and SnarkyCoffee for their ideas. Rules 236-245 are all theirs.**

**And special thanks to my sister. She gave all sort of wonderful ideas.**

* * *

**Rule Two Hundred Thirty-Six: No Boomerangs Off-World.**

**A. Or Taiahas.**

SGA-14 needed to stop playing with dangerous weapons. The natives of the planets they visited didn't like it.

**Rule Two Hundred Thirty-Seven: Explosive Experts are no longer allowed to fish with explosives**

**A. We're running out of pies to calm Squishy down.**

**B. C4 is expensive people.**

**C. It's just stupid; someone is going to lose a limb.**

Everyone in Atlantis had agreed to this Rule after some of the explosive experts had enraged Squishy by seeing who could catch the biggest fish using C4. Needless to say it took every pie in Atlantis to calm Squishy down. People were not happy about giving up desserts for a week.

Also the Marine Biologists were no longer speaking to said Explosive Experts.

**Rule Two Hundred Thirty-Eight: Do not attempt to swing from one balcony to another.**

SGA-7 was easily bored and extremely stupid. On the other hand they were extremely lucky. All of them were only slightly injured.

**Rule Two Hundred Thirty-Nine: If the natives say "Don't go there, it's dangerous" listen to them.**

**A. They ought to know after all.**

SGA-5 really needed to improve their listening skills. For some reason they seemed to have difficulty with it.

**Rule Two Hundred Forty: Do not feed the daisies.**

SGA-16 never did have much luck with the floral in the Pegasus Galaxy. In their defense, they hadn't thought that the daisies would mob them for food.

**Rule Two Hundred Forty-One: Do not use the Lab animals to terrorize your teammates.**

The scientists had a giant centipede/banana slug that freaked the hell out of John. Rodney, upon discovering this, had moved Banana to his lab. John, though he denied it, screamed when Rodney put Banana on his own shoulder and tried to hug John.

**Rule Two Hundred Forty-Two: Never ever hide Doctor McKay's laptop.**

**A. Please, he's the Head Scientist, he has access to everything.**

**B. And we mean everything. Like footage of the men showering.**

**C. Ladies, Doctor Weir ensured he cannot get footage of you.**

Rodney swore revenge on the person who dared to take his laptop. After seeing what he did to the poor soul who did, everyone else swore they were never touching his laptop.

**Rule Two Hundred Forty-Three: Hairspray is not to be used in abundance.**

**A. Nor is hair gel.**

John loudly protested that Rule.

**Rule Two Hundred Forty-Four: Do not insult people in other languages.**

**A. They can always find out what it means from someone else.**

One of the linguists thought it would be clever to insult some of the Marines in Russian. The Marines of course asked one of the Russians in Atlantis what those words meant. The Marines were not happy.

**Rule Two Hundred Forty-Five: Stalking SGA-1 is not allowed.**

SGA-1, while flattered, did not like their fan club.

**Rule Two Hundred Forty-Six: By order of Doctor Weir, do not fight over the World Cup.**

The Daedalus had brought back the recorded games of the World Cup. So far there had been nine different brawls over the outcomes.

**Rule Two Hundred Forty-Seven: Giant slugs are to be handled with respect.**

John had thrown Banana. The Science Department was not happy. John wasn't either since he now had an appointment with Heightmayer to talk about his 'bug issues'.

**Rule Two Hundred Forty-Eight: Pez Dolls are not to be taken Off-World.**

SGA-11 should have known better.

**Rule Two Hundred Forty-Nine: The Rainbow Song is not to be sung Off-World.**

**A. Also please do not tell us where you learned it.**

The Rainbow Song was a song sung by the Girl Scouts. SGA-6 was an all male team.

And the locals didn't like the song either to boot.

**Rule Two Hundred Fifty: Comic Book fights are not allowed.**

**A. All involved are to apologize to Colonel Sheppard and his Merry Band of Marines.**

**B. Now.**

The geeks took their comic book obsession very seriously. As the soldiers learned when they tried to break the fight up.

**Rule Two Hundred Fifty-One: Do not give other cultures piñatas. **

SGA-12 was gleefully corrupting the rest of the Pegasus Galaxy. Personally everyone else thought they were doing it so that SGA-12 would have humorous videos of parents being whacked.

**Rule Two Hundred Fifty-Two: Postcards from the Pegasus Galaxy are not to be sent to Earth.**

Some of the Atlantis personal had gotten together and made postcards. Then sent them to Earth. Stargate Command discovered them and was not amused. General O'Neil, on the other hand, was and sent a postcard back.

**Rule Two Hundred Fifty-Three: Be discrete about the Blessing Ceremonies.**

**A. You're freaking some people out.**

The techs in the Gateroom had taken to saying prayers for the SGA teams as they left. Out loud. Some of the teams were getting nervous.

**Rule Two Hundred Fifty-Four: Leave Fluffy and Squishy alone.**

Some people, despite living in a Galaxy with space vampires out to kill them all, did not have good survival instincts.

**Rule Two Hundred Fifty-Five: Yo-yos stay on Atlantis**.

SGA-10 was hopeless. They had a yo-yo war Off-World.

**Rule Two Hundred Fifty-Six: Do not talk about Godzilla Off-World.**

**A. Or dinosaurs.**

**B. Or King Kong.**

**C. Or big monsters in general.**

SGA-4 had rather gleefully told some locals about the big monsters of Earth and neglected to tell them that said monsters were not real.

Obviously no one from Atlantis was going to be invited back there anytime soon.

**Rule Two Hundred Fifty-Seven: Do not talk about horror movies Off-World either.**

**A. Freddy Kruger especially.**

**B. JasonVoorhees is on the list too.**

**C. See complete list in Gateroom.**

SGA-13 also decided to start talking about Earth's entertainment. They shouldn't have started with horror movies.

**Rule Two Hundred Fifty-Eight: Make no assumptions about genders.**

The Daedalus crew thought Atlantis was referring to the fact that each world had its own view on genders.

Atlantis was actually thinking of Squishy. They had assumed Squishy was a boy. Squishy was actually a girl and now the proud mother of Nemo, Marlin, Dory and Crush.

**Rule Two Hundred Fifty-Nine: Certain aspects of Earth's culture are not to be taught to the Athosian children.**

**A. All personal involved- the Athosian parents want to talk to you.**

The Atlantis personal were officially the worst baby-sitters in the Pegasus Galaxy. And possibly the Milky Way as well.

**Rule Two Hundred Sixty: New personal are to be understanding when asking about Year One.**

**A. All Old personal now have group therapy with Heightmayer every Thursday and Sunday.**

The Old personal was grumbling. The New personal had resolved to just read mission reports. Though all they had asked were what the Supply Wars were about. They had really not expected for the explanation to descend into a fight.

**Rule Two Hundred Sixty-One: M&M and Skittle Wars are not allowed either.**

**A. We have a gym for a reason people.**

Surprisingly this time it had been the soldiers who started fighting.

**Rule Two Hundred Sixty-Two: Do not fight during the Snuggle Parties.**

The Daedalus crew was disturbed when they discovered that Atlantis had Snuggle Parties. When Caldwell asked Elizabeth about them, she told him that the Parties were moral boosters.

**Rule Two Hundred Sixty-Three: The Time Warp is not to be sung or danced Off-World.**

SGA-9 had watched The Rocky Horror Picture Show the night before their mission. It gave them ideas.

**Rule Two Hundred Sixty-Four: The Theological Debates about Star Wars are to stop.**

**A. If you're going to have them, do not take control of Atlantis's intercom system to have them.**

The scientists had taken over the intercom system and subjected Atlantis to a three hour Star Wars theological debate. It probably wouldn't have been that long if the rest of Atlantis hadn't gotten in on it as well. Unsurprisingly the debates led to brawls.

**Rule Two Hundred Sixty-Five: The people working the Atlantis's delicate systems are not allowed to say "I have no idea what these buttons do."**

The techs in the Gateroom had said that. Right when SGA-15 was about to depart for a mission. SGA-15 refused to go upon hearing that.

No one could blame them. After all no one was still sure what a third of the buttons in Atlantis were for.

**Rule Two Hundred Sixty-Six: Do not arm wrestle.**

**A. Especially if you're Off-World.**

SGA-8 had agreed to arm wrestle each other. Of course they agreed to this when they were Off-World.

One of them was in the infirmary with a broken arm but the rest of Atlantis wasn't happy because they lost the trade for candy due to the arm wrestling competition.

**Rule Two Hundred Sixty-Seven: Just because SGA-1 brought it back, it doesn't mean it's dangerous.**

**A. There's caution and then there's paranoia.**

Normally when one of the teams managed to secure a trade for food, it was checked by the Medical Department, the Science Department and the Chefs each time once.

When SGA-1 brought something back it was checked three times and the Marines also did their own check. SGA-1 was not amused.

**Rule Two Hundred Sixty-Eight: Biting other people is not allowed.**

Doctor Malstrom bit Doctor Klinger. He wasn't happy so he bit her back. It led to a very interesting fight.

**Rule Two Hundred Sixty-Nine: The Gateroom is not to be sealed off and declared a separate country.**

The techs in the Gateroom were attempting to drive Atlantis insane. It probably would have made the rest of Atlantis happy if the techs had at lest tried to deny it.

**Rule Two Hundred Seventy: Television is not to be used as an excuse to fight with one another.**

**A. Knock it off with the Pairing Wars people.**

Several fans of certain shows were disagreeing about which character belonged with which character. At first it was amusing, then it was bemusing, then the fighting turned nasty and suddenly it wasn't so funny.

**Rule Two Hundred Seventy-One: Panic after the crisis is over.**

**A. You're no help to anyone if you panic before then.**

It was very nice. Harder for some people to listen to but usually those people developed the talent to be able to panic and be helpful at the same time.

Like Rodney.

**Rule Two Hundred Seventy-Two: Do not tease people who can kick your ass.**

Only one very foolish and stupid person had ever dared to tease Ronon.

The rest of SGA-1 still thought it was a good idea to put it in writing.

**Rule Two Hundred Seventy-Three: Stop creating new religions.**

**A. While we want our time in the Pegasus Galaxy to be positive, that is not what we had in mind.**

Atlantis was responsible for a total of fifty-five religions. Elizabeth was not happy.

**Rule Two Hundred Seventy-Four: Do not say prayers while running for your life.**

**A. Concentrate on getting the hell out of there. Pray later.**

**B. Remember you need the air to run.**

SGA-2 had the habit of saying prayers out loud as they ran. It always made them short of breath.

**Rule Two Hundred Seventy-Five: Never compare John and Rodney to David and Jonathan- it only makes them think they are worthy of holy status.**

**A. Which they are not.**

John and Rodney were disappointed. They had been having fun with their holy status. Teyla and Ronon hadn't been nearly as amused since they were the ones who constantly dealt with the two of them.

**Rule Two Hundred Seventy-Six: Mouse traps are not to be left in hallways.**

**A. We do not have mice people.**

Someone had left a bunch of mouse traps in one of the hallways. Several people hadn't noticed (they were scientists) until the traps attacked them. They were claiming vengeance on whoever left the traps there. And they wanted full time Marine bodyguards.

**Rule Two Hundred Seventy-Seven: The Marines are not glorified baby-sitters.**

**A. Or canon folder. **

**B. We are here to protect you so when we say 'Move!' you move.**

The Marine weren't happy about their treatment. And John was getting tired about arguing with Rodney and Elizabeth about it.

**Rule Two Hundred Seventy-Eight: Shouting "Get thee back devil spawns! The power of Christ compels you!" at the Wraith, while funny, is not effective.**

**A. Shooting them as you yell it is.**

SGA-3 had done it first. The rest of the SGA teams weren't far behind them though.

**Rule Two Hundred Seventy-Nine: The women are not allowed to raid the men's locker room and steal our towels and clothes.**

**A. Do you want us to do it to you?**

The Rule was self-explanatory.

**Rule Two Hundred Eighty: Whip cream is to stay in the Mess Hall.**

No one wanted to know what John and Rodney were doing with it. But for some reason Fluffy and Crush loved whip cream now.

**Rule Two Hundred Eighty-One: It's the End of the World (As We Know It) by REM is not our theme song.**

**A. Officially anyway.**

Atlantis had an unofficial official theme song. And one that everyone thought was very appropriate.

**Rule Two Hundred Eighty-Two: Do not trade the Jell-O.**

Atlantis was not thrilled that SGA-3 had agreed to trade Jell-O. Of course SGA-3 hadn't really had a choice; it was the Jell-O or their heads.

**Rule Two Hundred Eighty-Three: No Atlantis Personal is allowed to baby-sit.**

**A. Ever.**

**B. Fear the day any of us actually have children people.**

Apparently it wasn't just human children that the Atlantis personal corrupted. Squishy had to be offered pie again.

And Marlin, Nemo, Dory and Crush were now South Park fans.

**Rule Two Hundred Eighty-Four: Running around screaming "My eyes! My eyes!" is not helpful.**

**A. Grab someone and head to Medical Department.**

**B. Remember, panic later.**

Doctor Biro was apologetic about panicking. It was a little hard to understand her because, in addition to having something in her eye, she ran into a door while panicking and broke her nose.

**Rule Two Hundred Eighty-Five: Do not joke about Atlantis sinking.**

**A. It worries people.**

**B. We already sank once before. Let's not jinx ourselves okay?**

The Original Expedition vividly remembered discovering the Atlantis was underwater at first and what happened in the original timeline. They especially did not appreciate the sinking jokes.

**Rule Two Hundred Eighty-Six: Do not joke about Pompeii either.**

**A. You're jinxing yourself okay?**

SGA-13 was already unluckily enough without them accidentally jinxing themselves.

**Rule Two Hundred Eighty-Seven: Remember the 50-50-90 rule.**

Atlantis grumbled. If it was fifty-fifty chance, ninety percent of the time they were wrong. A couple of people had taken to muttering "What Murphy's Law wasn't enough?" at the ceiling.

Said people now had appointments with Heightmayer.

**Rule Two Hundred Eighty-Eight: Do not stick gum in people's hair.**

SGA-9 was vicious when mad at each other. Also they were also back in group therapy and Elizabeth was lecturing about their poker games again.

**Rule Two Hundred Eighty-Nine: When exiting the Gate Off-World do not do the following:**

**a. Stick the unofficial Atlantis flag in the ground.**

**b. Proclaim the land has been conquered in the name of Elizabeth the Great and her Army of Shiny Happy People.**

**A. Natives will not be amused.**

SGA-14's sense of humor was very very strange.

**Rule Two Hundred Ninety: Atlantis does not officially have a flag.**

**A. Just like we don't have a motto or a theme song.**

**B. Or postcards.**

**C. Or a gift shop.**

**D. Or T-shirts.**

Technically Atlantis did not have a flag. It only was out when the Daedalus was gone.

Atlantis had a strange sense of humor. But then they were in an entirely different galaxy being hunted by space vampires.

**Rule Two Hundred Ninety-One: Revenge is wonderful.**

**A. As long as it's not Off-World.**

SGA-1 was not happy about being turned into five-year olds. Though they were adorable. Of course it had been the minds of SGA-1 in the bodies of their five-year old selves. And everyone discovered Ronon was still scary, even at age five.

Obviously SGA-1 got revenge.

**Rule Two Hundred Ninety-Two: The Hula Dance is not to be danced Off-World.**

SGA-8 had preformed the Hula Dance for the natives of NHD456. And now the locals made every team that came through to them dance the Hula Dance.

Needless to say SGA-8 was the only team that went there.

**Rule Two Hundred Ninety-Three: Do not glomp people Off-World.**

SGA-2 liked to glomp people. Then again it wasn't like anyone on Atlantis was going to protest; SGA-2 had Fluffy. They just didn't want Fluffy attacking people Off-World.

**Rule Two Hundred Ninety-Four: Gummy Bears are to be eaten properly.**

A couple of the SGA teams had taken to playing with the Gummy Bears before savagely biting them. In front of couple of the scientists who were getting a little upset about it. Said scientists were also vowing to never eat Gummy Bears again.

**Rule Two Hundred Ninety-Five: All robotic tarantulas are to be disassembled.**

**A. Except for the ones Fluffy claimed.**

The scientists had thought they were being clever. Everyone else disagreed. Fluffy was the only one who liked the tarantulas.

**Rule Two Hundred Ninety-Six: Do not tell the natives "Well you're ugly" when they have you in a jail cell.**

**A. It will just make them mad.**

SGA-10, for some reason, took a perverse thrill in pissing off the locals after being thrown into jail cells.

**Rule Two Hundred Ninety-Seven: Building bumper cars is not an acceptable use of Lab time.**

The scientists were at it again. The soldiers just were the ones that actually injured people with the bumper cars.

**Rule Two Hundred Ninety-Eight: Smile like you mean it.**

**A. Even when you don't.**

The best way to make allies was to smile. Even when you really didn't want to. Of course some teams struggled with this one.

**Rule Two Hundred Ninety-Nine: Beware the very well armed tiny people.**

**A. They are vicious.**

The locals of NJA4567 might be small but they were nasty fighters. Privately several people on Atlantis referred to them as the Rambo Hobbits.

**Rule Three Hundred: Live life to its fullest.**

**A. We only get one chance after all.**

**B. Unless you're Daniel Jackson.**

The sun was setting as Rodney sent the last Rule. When it was done he leaned back in his chair and smiled. John leaned against the wall and grinned.

"Done?" he asked.

Rodney glanced up and grinned in amusement. John was wearing one of the Atlantis shirts. (It was a black T-shirt with a picture of Atlantis across the middle and Atlantis written in green across the bottom.) Those back on Earth would kill everyone onAtlantis if they saw the shirt.

"Excellent observation Colonel. No wonder they gave you your rank," he smirked. John rolled his eyes.

Teyla interrupted. "May we go then? I am eager to see this new movie."

Ronon nodded in agreement. "You said there were a lot of explosions in this one."

"I should have known you'd like those types of movies," Rodney groaned as he stood up.

"Ah you know you like them," John teased as he fell in step with Rodney.

"Not hardly, Colonel," Rodney sniffed.

"I thought you liked mocking the science in these movies?" Teyla asked as she smiled at him.

Rodney smiled back. "Of course. When do I not like mocking idiots?"

"Never," Ronon replied.

"That is true," John sounded amused.

"Let's just get this over with," Rodney sighed. Privately, though, he smiled. The Adventure of a Lifetime was never dull. Not with these people around.

Of course it would take a miracle (him) to keep them alive.

**The End.**


End file.
